Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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