anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
