Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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