Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
