you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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