oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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