It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
