Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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