Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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