My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
