he looks like a really good dad on facebook
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
