He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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