am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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