What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
