life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
