I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
