I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
