Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
