i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
