The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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