There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
