I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
