I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
