Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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