my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
