I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
