I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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