but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
