i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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