Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
