It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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