At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
