I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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