My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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