Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
