Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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