i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
