No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
