I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
