If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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