Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
