I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
