Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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