I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
