he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
