Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
