A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
