i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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