SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
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disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
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Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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