in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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