I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
