It was confusing and full of hummus
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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