so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
