Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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