I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
