my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
