Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
