i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
