It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
